The first time trying.

I am starting this to work throigh the last year of my life and my future. I have so much to learn and so much to apply going forward.  By the time I decided to marry my first husband, i was pretty set in my ways. I am a Capricorn and even though i am not a firm believer  in that kind of thing, I do resemble the description to a tee. I am practical, realist, goal driven, all work no play, bossy, and always looking for better.
It wasn't always like that though, as a only child I was a spoiled, messy, brat but, I had a kid at 17 which started to wake me up fast. It was a huge wake up to reality and growing up fast... anyway fast forward to 23, I had just had my second child and had finally decided to get married. As my usual m.o. was to run from relationships, I was finally giving in. I had already ran from my soon to be husband once. This time I started to trust him. Our relationship was unique, because we were able to become best friends before getting together a second time. He would just dismiss my fears and force me to see the positive in most things. He always calmed my irrational social bs. He was super sensitive to my needs and usually gave me what i wanted and needed. He had the patience of a saint with me, truth be told. He never yelled at me. He would usually just give me the silent treatment when i was angry and a certain look that usually worked.
The thing is we were so practical but funny together. We were so about just keeping shit together for the kids, bit we made sure no matter how terrible life got we still stopped to make fun of the bad times. He was my best friend after all, who i did really really love, but when i look back, i have zero idea if i was ever in love, or understood what that meant. The years with hin were never bad. He ways took care of me and worked his ass off to take care of his family. He joined the airforce abd we had a set of twins, all girls at that. He worked and i raised the girls. At some point we grew distant and i ended up going back to old cheating habits.  I never thought he would be able to forgive me, but he always had a huge heart. Even though at this point, i realized he was not as strong as me. I started seeing these things when my mother passed away. And he often had breakdowns i never knew how to sooth. I sucked at emotions. He stood his ground we had to work through it andni had to do the right things. Strangly enough we did actually work through it and i felt even closer to him for quite some time. At this point I found out my dad had cancer and was really sick. We moved back to my home in Hawaii. Thanks to the Air Force. 2 months after going home my dad passed and yet again I had to be the strong one to get the family through. At this poi t I found out his family was not real fond of me. I guess i started pulling away again. I lost myself in the kids and he worked. Eventually, i needed more. I went to work and started doing wild uncharacteristic things. This would happen a couple times a year. I would soend reckless amounts of money and go clubbing all the time. Then there was the cheating. I finally put me in therapy. I was diagnosed with OCD/bipolar. I was put on a few meds but didnt really ever tell my husband the truth. At this point i started sleeping with someone again bit i suspect he was seeing someone behind my back too. This time i just couldnt come clean with him, which I knew woukd doom us. I got really sick and we ended up moving to a terrible place to make sure they could accommodate my illness. Within a month of moving i was severly depressed. My husband took me on long drives and over night trips. He tried so hard to keep me happy, but i was already so detached. When we were younger I had, a bit of a chat addiction and  when I cheated it was an online friend.  I started losing myself on line and visits with and from my best friend and her sister and bars as a way to stay happy. Eventually my besties sister and i were in chats online with all kinds of ppl and the recklessness began again. Through all of this though, i remained  true to my sign, driven, goal oriented,  determined, ocd, and practical in my Reality. Never really letting my self jump without thought except in those manic momebts i had no control over. I didnt have any idea what just doing something in your right mind, just because you wanted to felt like. I was a mom always, and kept my shit quiet and together in front of everyone. No one really knew about the bad times. No one knew about the recless moments and how they took tolls on our relationship.  But he was always there through it all, my confidant and best friend. The only person who could make me laugh in the worst of my moments.  I just treated him wrong because i was so clueless about emotions, and i failed to handle his depression properly. He pointed out my mistakes and always forgave me even though he never understood. I think i just wanted someone not so soft. I also wanted to know real passion and what falling in love was like after seeing it happen for my friends. At this point I am sure my husband knew i was bipolar. But he figured my depression would lift like always and i would be fine.... but there i we t down the rabbit hole again... into my own selfish world of me and my needs while abandoning my life with him.